You see your neighbor on the street, you never wish him well
You see someone getting beat, all you do is laugh
They say the war's across the sea, but there's still fighting in city streets
May you who is innocent cast the first stone

What's the point, oh, what's the point!?
Pray for peace but spread destruction
Is there no end to this misconnection
Between you and me there's no reason for this season

Lured in by the promise of love
Family
A home
Dreams shattered as a Stained Glass world
Became spun sugar
Unable to stand to a small summer storm
3 innocents that trusted
Trusted with everything
Dreams became warped
Words twisted like fire
Trust in all others broken
Desires bent to His sadistic pleasures
To His insane pipes we danced
We danced until our feet were bloody
Until our bodies could dance no more
And still – with maniac laughter – He played on
To one whispered lies of love
A promise of a True Home
A Family that would never leave
To another whispered sweet seductions of marriage
A love that would never break
And a life never broken
To the final whispered lust
A promise of constant companionship
Never to be abandoned again
To all told beautiful lies
Beautiful stories and dreams brought to life in vivid imagery capable only through word
The first would be teased
Then held while he wept
The second would be danced with
Then nursed while she lay sick
The third yet to fall
The third yet to break
She stands in painful pride as she watched on
Protecting what she can
We were like humans in the Fey Mound
Eating leaves and drinking mud
Believing they were fine delicacies
That we were honored while He -
The Fey King -
Laughed.
He held us in contempt
Turning us upon one another
While we begged for more of His affections
We threw ourselves into pretty petty promises
Promises that would never come to life

I'm ok. I slept, I calmed down, I'm ok.

Updates:

Derek is dating my best friend - Emma. Yes, I'm hurt. No, I'm not mad or bitter. I've talked about it with a lot of people. They all say he's being stupid (even his mom) and that he'll come around. Personally, i've reached a point of "i don't want him until he grows up" so if he's still around when he grows up, maybe i'll try again.

got my job back

New boy. Name is Famo, but while he's interesting, I won't take him unless he sobers up. Not sober - not touching him.

Focusing on school. I miss KY. I miss Moon and Miss Tammy. I'm going to do my substituting there when i have my degree. After that who knows.

So i had a shit day and i'm moody and haven't slept... and this is what came of it

Derek:
Here's why I'm upset,

I woke up to mom banging on the door. Had to call my dad to find out I may no longer be covered by his insurance, then I haven't even had a cup of coffee when mom starts attacking me about you. Argument ensues. Then, I have to go to work. This job, while a job, is a shit ass job. I fucking hate it. So I'm moody from that. Half way through, I find out that you're not where Phil is and it's not as safe as I thought it was, so I”m worried off my ass... Kirk only talks to me to get to you, Emma's beginning to only talk to me to get to you, and I feel very unloved. I get to where you are, and all I wanted all day was a hug and cuddles. That was it... I knew that the one thing I could count on was seeing you and getting a hug first thing through the door, and I was looking forward to cuddles all day. You promised me cuddles... I didn't get either. So I was jokingly saying “Fine, don't give me a hug” with a big grin, and you freak out at me... I feel rejected and alone... I just want to go home...

I hate that we argue all the time. I feel guilty for it. I hate that my parents pulled weirdness on me. I feel very... useless and stupid and like a horrible person because I can't be good enough. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I”m ugly, I have temper, I can't even perform basic tasks without fucking up, I'm not good enough for George – he'd be better protected if I was – I can't make my parents proud no matter how hard i try, i can't make anyone happy. The only ones i'm trying to make happy are you and george.. i can't even do that. I'm just useless. I can't protect you. I can't protect george. I can't do anything right. I hate that i complain all the time... i'm trying to be good enough, but i know that i'm not, and i'm a failure for it. I am, don't try to convince me differnet because you can't. I'm not good enough to even stand in the presence of such a beautiful, good person as yourself. THAT'S why i stayed with Brian for so long. THAT'S why i put up with any abuse that comes my way... It's what I deserve for being such a rotten person. And i am. I am a rotten, horrible person trying too hard to do good in the world because of her sins. I guess that's why I've been in love with you for so long: you accepted me anyway.... you even asked for my attention.. Dunno why, but you did... but i'm not worthy of it. I never will be. You make me think that I'm worth saving. There's some part of me that's worth saving, so I'm trying to find that part and grow it. I dunno if you'll read this or not, but if you do, please don't act different towards me, and please don't disappear. But if you do, I know it's because I was right about being rotten... and that you tried to save me, but I'm unsaveable... You probably should run... I'm just bad news. I bring change, and you don't like change. Get out while you can so I don't ruin your life any further. I”m sorry for the trouble i caused.

I love you,

Antonia Rachel Cimoli Bird.....

So KY didn't work out. Roommates failed majorly, my boss wouldn't give me my job back, turns out our neighbor had a meth lab, my homesickness just KILLED me, and my mom begged me to quit school and come home. So I did... bringing my boys with me.

My boys: Kaptin and Devoz (pronounced "devo")

Kaptin is an Irish punk rocker (yes, he's really Irish) and he's a party boy. Mega party boy. Sometimes, I think he's just in it for the party, then he does something sweet or responsible or serious and it reminds me why I put up with him. Of the two, his country accent is the thickest. He's fun, smart, loves life, has had it rough, and this is a restart for him. He and Devoz have been friends for about 3 years now. Straight, seems offstandish, but that's how he is shy, handsome and hott - I love his eyes - he's got the whole mohawk and piercing thing going. His favorite color is green.

Devoz looks like a typical emo boy with long hair, but prettier. He's a quarter Asian (Sparklewolfie and I dressed him up like a girl ^^) and very beautiful. He's been beat and downtrodden his whole life. His mom and I seem to be the only ones who care lots about him, so this is also a bit of a restart for him. I just wish his optamism would pick up. Bisexual, beautiful, real quiet and shy at first, but quite interesting when you get to know him. He's reliable, and - unfortunately - the one I've fallen in love with.

Devoz and I have been sharing a room since November. That's when he moved in. We've been sleeping with each other since October. Yes, I finally lost my virginity.

I met Devoz and Kaptin at Fright Fest which is like Trail of Terror for those of you in MN. It was fun! It's rather amusing how I met them. I saw them at orientation first. I couldn't tell if Devoz was a boy or girl until he talked, and Kaptin's hair was long at the time and very pretty. I didn't talk to them even though I wanted to. My friend - Katy - had my attention. She'll come up later. On the first day of Fest, I was pissed at my roommates and friend and exhausted from work and school so I went to the most secluded corner and fell asleep. I woke up because I sensed someone close to me. I opened me eyes and saw blue. This bright, beautiful, forget-me-not blue. I blinked and saw it was Devoz. Back then, his eyes were amplified by his blue hair. Now his hair is brown again, but it's still very pretty. I looked over and saw Kaptin's green eyes staring at me from by my feet. I was tense for a moment, but for some really weird reason, I relaxed, flipped over, snuggled closer to them both, and fell asleep again. Devoz woke me when it was my turn to go change. After that when I went to Fest, I'd seek them out.

I wasn't quite living at Aaron and Tam's during this time. They were having such big Nothing Fights that I was driven out to keep my sanity. I spent most my time either at Katy's or Lee's (Lee was a good friend and his apartment was open during the night 'cause that's when he worked. So I'd crash there until 2 AM when I picked him up from work and then he'd go to his second job at UPS). Fest was a welcome distraction. I could hang out with Devoz and Kaptin (though Kaptin left part way through due to a different job) and I could scare people during. It was fun! I met a lot of people there. I miss them...

Kaptin was the local connection for everyone. He knew all the parties, how to get what you wanted, where to go, etc. He still owes me a concert. He didn't talk much at first, but then, neither did Devoz. That was fine with me. I could sit with someone during break, and I got regular hugs from Devoz. When we finally did start actually having conversations with each other, I found out that Christy was Devoz's ex, Devoz and Kaptin were best friends almost brothers, and that they were near inseparable.

It was about mid-October when Kaptin stopped coming to Fest for his other job. So Devoz and I started talking more. When I got there early enough to be there before it opened (on saturdays I worked until 2 or 2:30 so sundays were the only day I could get there early) I would hide in the Haunted House and wait until Devoz found me. It became a bit of a game, really. We would talk, and I'd realize just how beautiful this boy was. He was a Fallen Prince of sorts. Bad childhood until he could get to his mother's, bad relationships, and a rough start in life, he was still amazingly positive; he was still living and trying.

On Tuesdays, I would go swing dancing at night. Now, at the time, I was pretty good friends with Christy, so I invited her and Tam along one night. So that tuesday night, Christy shows up and brings Devoz. This was an absolutely joyful surprise to me. We go, I end up leaving early because A, I work in the morning, and B, Christy and Tam pretty much stole the show. They loved showing off, and Christy loved to be in control. Frustrated, I left with Devoz and Aaron. Michael - a friend of Tam's - drove the girls home later. That night, I woke a couple times to find Devoz's arm around my waist. It was very... blush-making. I get home from school the next day and they're still there. I was so happy. Christy had to go, and I said I'd take Devoz home. So we hung out the rest of the day.

A few weeks later, I'm mad at Lee's baby mama (I had helped him move back in with her after they got back together and she wouldn't let me come over and hang out), feeling very mischievous (woke up in that mood) and horny (it's the week before my period). So my judgement is.... lacking. Now, it's a Saturday. I come to Fest in this mood. I get into the house, scare some people very well, and then Devoz comes and finds me on his lunch. I get my hug, and he kisses me on the cheek. Thought process, "what kind of mischief can I do with this?" Because every time I see him, I get a hug. And this time, with every hug comes a kiss on the cheek. Boy I like + my mood = going to do something. So, end of the day, I go give him a hug good by, he goes to give my cheek a kiss, and i turn and kiss him full on the mouth. Fire never tasted so good.

That kicked off my kisses with Devoz. As you can probably imagine, it progressed. I'd pick him up from school on Friday, he'd spend the weekend, and eventually, it led to sex. Kind of inevitable considering he and I shared the room and bed. I woke up to him messing with my hot spots a couple times. Nice thing to wake up to, actually, and the sex was nice after too.

Well, eventually Fest ended and Devoz didn't leave. Then came Katy. Katy was my friend and rather selfish with me. She and I had fun. She began spending weekends again after Fest (she had to stop working Fest because of school) and when I was at work, she and Devoz were asleep when I got home usually... never could understand how someone could sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon... Anyway, Katy had a girlfriend, and I had a budding relationship with Devoz going on. Nothing official, but we weren't seeing anyone else. Then she asked him out. He said yes. I got upset. The three of us tried for a while, but Devoz has jealousy issues and Katy was ignoring him and it all exploded eventually. Katy became a bitch for no reason, and yes, I mean no reason. She promised I wouldn't get dragged into it then randomly announced she was never talking to me again and so I held her to it. I made her face her consequences for A - treating me and Devoz like dirt, and B - saying she was never going to talk to me again just because she and Devoz had broken up. Sorry, I don't play that way.

That was in January. Devoz and I have talked about dating, but the fact is, he and I live together, he's already uber jealous when it comes to me, and he's afraid of what would happen if we did. I honestly think we could handle it. We already are turning down anyone of the opposite gender that comes our way, act like a couple, and do everything couples do without the title. What's the big deal? Sure, Devoz is interested in a boy a bit... but he's even thinking of turning him down, and him with another boy would actually be kinda hott... In KY, they have a lot of open relationships where if the partner is of opposite sex and bi, they can have another partner of the same gender. I came to understand this kind of relationship, so while I may be a bit jealous of the attention, I don't mind it... So confusing.

Anyway. Devoz is waking up next to me, so I can't type too much more. More later.

Ja matte

- Neverending Pen

I had to say goodbye to my best friend yesterday....

I honestly am questioning why the hell I'm doing this. I'm moving away from an area I know to a place that I don't know. I'm moving in with people whom I'm friends with, but I've only lived a couple weeks with. I don't know how to fight with anyone but my family, and I'm lonely, scared, tired, and have to put up with my relatives.

Do I really want to do this?

I keep searching for the answer to that question. I look through my life, and the answer is: i don't know. I want the college program. I want it so badly, and I want the music school! Both are amazing, but is it worth giving up my friends? Is it worth leaving?

I guess I'll find out, and if it isn't, I'll move back for spring semester... I hope it was worth it...

Yeah... along with confidence comes new poetry/music

Perfect little angel
Does everything she's told
Never stray away
Never think there's more to life than that
Perfect little angel
Lemme show you how to fall

Good little girls don't stay up late
Don't stay out all night
Good little girls always stay inside
They toe the line
Don't wanna be that good little girl no more

Perfect little angel
Plan out your whole life
Never think away
Never look back
Just once I'm asking you to turn around

Good little girls don't stay up late
Don't stay out all night
Good little girls always stay inside
They toe the line
Don't wanna be that good little girl no more

Let me show you
How to live
Let me show you
How to love
Let me show you
How to become
The Devil's Angel

Good little girls don't stay up late
Don't stay out all night
Good little girls always stay inside
They toe the line
Don't wanna be
I don't wanna be that good little girl no more

How is it that it's my fault when I'm the one that was broken? If you're going to treat me like shit, I'm eventually going to make noise about it, and if you say "fuck you" to me because I'm upset because you treat me like shit, I'm not going to be happy. On top of it all, if you say it was all a joke.... Well, I won't be abused and used like that. Not now, and not ever. You also can't say you're sorry after breaking my heart, making me distrust people in general (i FLINCH when my own parents try to touch me!), and then tell me that I'm angry at nothing... Sorry, you just can't. I almost died because of what you did t me, and it's my fault?

Oh well. I refuse to talk to him ever again anyway.

On to better news! ^^ I MOVE SOON! My friends came up and grabbed a whole bunch of my stuff and took it down this weekend. I got two new kitties that they took too! One is 2, all black, proud, beautiful, and lovable, and one is 1.5, fat, grey with darker grey stripes, LOVES attention, tries to take the place of my teddy bear, and sounds like a motorcycle that's idling. She also is so vocal, that she meows a little whenever she takes a step. I love them, but they're also down South... T_T I miss them so much! My basement is so lonely without them!

Mild Annoyance: My Uncle is coming on Tuesday. -.- Must. Not. Kill. His. Child. Getting. Married. Must. Play. Nice. Until. Afterwards.... Nonna's dead, I have no obligation to be nice to this rat, but my cousin is getting married, so I'm playing nice for Mario's sake ONLY!

ANOTHER SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!! My Grandma has been NICE.... WTF!? WHAT DO I DO NOW!?

Okay, I have a HUGE crush on my best friend like now... The numbers 41, 32, 38 are my favorite numbers right now... Those are her sizes... *blush* After getting my dreams crushed, she picked me up, gave me confidence, I wear color and girl clothes now. I no longer hate my body... I'm not so fond of it, but I don't hate it anymore. We can be weird together, and I don't feel so horrible. I adore her. She even is supporting me (while still being annoyed with me) in my move! ^^ It would never work out, though... I'm not her type, but she is wonderful, and moving away from her is the hardest thing ever....

You have a fight. You wait a few days for the hurt to pass and the anger to blow over, then you talk to them, but you talk to them face to face. You don't hide behind words and computers. You don't hide on the other end of a phone. You talk to them, but if you can't look me in the eye and talk to me about what's wrong, then yeah, that's it.

*sighs* I guess I'm whining here, but it hurts and I won't let myself be walked over. I've bent over backwards; I've broken my back, and it's time for me to stand up and get something back for the patience I've had. It's time to talk instead of listen, and if they can't see that? Their loss... I refuse to mourn over someone who won't even have mild consideration for my feelings.

"I'm tired of apologizing!" Sweetie... that's hard to do when you haven't apologized in the first place.



On to happier things!

^^ My bus to KY leaves on Sunday! YAY!! I can't wait to see Imoto-chan!!! And Mizu and Aiden! Hopefully, I can even see Vampire and Oreo and Pressure Point! ^^ YAY!!!! Imoto-chan keeps telling me it's cold there, but when I ask, it's not very considering I live in MN. They don't even have snow on the ground anymore!

We've already had a temp of -15 (Right now it's -9) and they... Have they gotten below zero? I'll have to ask! ^^ Most of my things are packed. I can't pack all my clothes until Saturday, though, 'cause I need to wear them. ^^;;

I SAW TENSHI!! *happy dance* The Boyfriend was still attached. -.- But he wasn't being pissy, so it was better.... SHE GAVE ME IRONSIDE!! OMG SO EXCITED!!! I'm reading that and a book my friend loaned me... I"m putting the book my friend loaned me inside a cover for my trip. Don't wanna ruin it! o.o That SHOULD last me... If not, (or if I get bored with 'em) I'm bringing Oran High School Host Club manga too! ^^ Yay!

Tenshi looked much better than she has. Apparently, her weight loss problem (she can't gain any weight and she's already 15 pounds underweight) is due to an over-production of hormones, so she has to get blood drawn. I said she could give me some. Lol. I HAVE gone down a pants size! *dance*

Oh yeah: I went on my first date... It was blind, and rather awkward, but the boy was cute... OMG I THOUGHT CHIVALRY WAS DEAD!!! o.o He had to be the MOST chivalrous person I've ever met! I'm thinking... friend, but he's too nervous around women to date seriously ever.... ^^U Yay Mother complex!

OH! Parents: My dad slipped a disk last month.... or the month before.... A while ago, and he's doing much better, and my mom's hand is getting stronger after her carpal tunnel surgery. Yay! I still have to watch Ototo-chan a lot, but I don't mind so much. He's starting broadcasting classes Friday.

That's all I've got... Ja ne!

I'm pissed off and hurt and way too busy. My last two finals should be done by wednesday (thank God). In all honesty, "I don't have time for this" to quote a reason why I'm pissed and hurt. I'm mostly hurt which pisses me off because I let someone get real close only to have them bite me... again. Thank you, God. Honest. I thought we had an agreement!

In lighter news:

In my time of pain and anger, my friend stepped up, and we've been getting close. It's fun to hang out with her, and thanks to her, I'm getting a better fashion sense. ^^u Also, I'm getting closer to Imoto-chan (which rocks).

Have to go write papers again. Ja ne.

I stare at the empty page and reach for words
but words refuse to come
all i find is a blank page
words fail me
words flee from me
and the only desire that comes to me is that to fall
fall into the nothingness
the nothingness that is sleep
the nothingness filled with shapes and words that are not words
but what is sleep and dreams
is it desire
or is it nothing but madness
horrors too strong for us to deal consciously
madness that claims us each night
madness that dances with us
sometimes showing us joys
sometimes taking control to show us terrors
madness that we must be strong enough to wake from
those that never wake after falling asleep
yet they still live
we name them in a coma
those that never wake and never live again
we name dead
are they comatose
are they dead
or have they just succumbed to madness
or are we sleeping in madness as we walk awake
and wake each night from our madness when we sleep

Cutting ties and burning bridges hurt, but I'm in a better mood and less depressed, so I guess it was for the best.

Happier news: JUDGE IS AN AMAZING GUY! HE GAVE ME SITES WHERE I CAN FIND FULL EPISODES OF OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB, HANAZAKARI NO KIMITACHI E, AND MANY MANY OTHERS!! OMG I'M SO EXCITED! ^^
Let me explain: Monday I met a guy who randomly showed up (he knew Chocolate) before everyone except me, White Boy, and this... kinda creepy kid left. He came over and we started talking, right off the bat, about anime, music, and a whole lot of other cool things. I think I was listening to "Digital Love" by Daft Punk and he came over to look at it. Then we kept going on, found out we both liked many of the same animes, he gave me sites so i no longer have to use youtube, and we talked. It was cool, we just... talked.
I kinda miss that - just talking. Nothing important, nothing upsetting, nothing... painful. Just talking, laughing, babbling about nothing. I miss being able to do that with my friends. There are so many troubles, and those of my friends (of which there are many) with only one X chromosome seem to all have decied to be... male PMSing. To have a guy just want to talk about dumb stuff was great. No marriage troubles, no boyfriend or girlfriend troubles, no "oh isn't this funny 'cause it's crude and improper sexual comments". Just anime, music, literature. ^^ It was fun. It made me laugh.
I went home, I blasted music, I attacked my punching bag... I realized I was used to get to Renny-chan by Adam... I got mad and attacked my bag more. I need to play a hard game of tackle football or have a real fight... I need a sparring partner that can take my full force and will hit me back with everything they have. That means a male, but no male will hit a girl, none of my guy friends can punch hard enough, and none will fight me! *sighs* Not even Aaron can take my full force. -.- Oofta.

Class is ended. Off to other things. ^^ Ending with a high note: I'm getting my cartalidge pierced!

O-okay... what is it that makes people think they can ditch me then make up a lie? What the hell? I'm not some dumb kid! Ugh...

Cry, rain, cry.
Sob, scream, sigh
As the world rips open your heart.
Your aching heart;
Your pained and breaking heart.
Cry, rain, cry.
Cry as despair seeps in,
reaching fingers tearing open old wounds,
Making new ones pour open in sympathy.
Black hands of depression
Cupping the firefly of hope,
Caging it an slowly closing in.
Hope flickering without strength to draw on.
No hep from outside coming.
Cry, rain, cry.
Cry as I cannot,
Cry as I wish to,
Cry long and hard,
Pouring your tears over the land in renewing birth.
Cry, rain, cry.

Depression is it's own device
That grows where Happiness will not rise
Despair takes hold
Where Happiness does not grow
And spreads seeds of Pain
Rising to every occasion
That acorn of Hurt
Unallowing true Joy to approach
And keeping any Comfort at bay
Such is the way of the World
And such is Life

The one who swore
We'd be friends forever and since
I now find out
Is spoiled little bitch

Battered Angels
Walking down the streets
You'll never know when you meet one
When you see one

Selfish lovers and broken dreams
The world is dying
So it seems
We try so hard to keep from drowning

Battered Angels never learn to fly
They learn to laugh, and scream, and cry
They learn to live, they learn to fight
Battered Angels keep us alive

Broken lives and tear-stained faces
Isn't home supposed to be the safest
Of places we go
What happened to the world we once called home

Battered Angels never learn to fly
They learn to laugh, and scream, and cry
They learn to live, they learn to fight
Battered Angels keep us alive

Do you remember dreams
Do you remember life without this screaming
But when we dream
We wake with screams
One night of peace is all we ask for

Battered Angels never learn to fly
They learn to laugh, and scream, and cry
They learn to live, they learn to fight
Battered Angels
Battered Angels
Battered Angels
Battered Angels are keeping me alive

yet another victim falls prey to the "everyone loves renny-chan" virus... yet again, i am to shy to voice my feelings... baka baka baka onna

I finally have internet.
Got a second job for the summer (which ends today).
Onee-chan and Onii-kun made it back home safe.
I start school on the 27th.
I have all english classes!
The payment plan is working just fine.
I'm going to Ren Fest on Saturday with my friends.
I am not taking the lying sack of shit my little brother is.

God my brother is pissing me off! He's such an ass! "Oh! I'm trying to get your trust back! I want your trust! I want you to trust me! Why won't you trust me? I'm telling the truth! I'm not lying anymore!" Yeah fucking right. Little shit. He KNOWS he's not supposed to play video games or take/borrow them from his friends. So what does he do? He gets one. And what happens? He says it's from a friend. Only it isn't. So we're pissed at both him and his friend, only his friend is innocent and my brother's a lying shit! I can't believe he'd do something like that! I thought he was better than that! What a jackass! I can't believe he'd set up his friend to take the fall! What the fuck is wrong with that kid!? If he thinks he's going to Ren Fest with me after that stunt, he has another thing coming. Jerk needs to get his head out of his ass and start behaving like a human! Start behaving like my brother.... I want my brother back....